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The 3rd Annual Ramblings Awards (2000)
Hanni favorites from the first four seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Written and posted by Natalie (PrincssNat) 6/4/00
NATALIE
Hello, and welcome to the third annual Ramblings
Awards!
(Applause from the audience)
NATALIE
I'm joined once again by my cohosts Oz and Nick here
at our regular location at the corner of Sunnydale and
Harvest, and somehow we managed to score the Dingoes
Ate My Baby for the third year in a row.
OZ
I can't imagine how that happened.
NICK
Votes have been compiled from posts, the mailing list,
Eva's website, E-mails, and of course, our mom.
OZ
And we've also got a Mr. Ramblings Awards this year.
(Larraq comes out from backstage and waves. The
Hanniscapers go wild.)
NATALIE
I had to include him. I had to.
OZ
Are we going to get to the awards before we put
everyone to sleep this time?
NATALIE
Wait, I haven't done the Susan Lucci thing yet!
(Nick and Oz both sigh in irritation as Natalie does
the catwalk thing to show off her pretty dress.)
NATALIE
Okay, I'm done.
OZ
The first award goes to character you most want to be
eaten by dingoes. And the award goes to... Riley.
(Riley comes onstage and Larraq gives him his award.)
RILEY
I don't know if I'm supposed to actually thank anyone
for this. I mean, what did I do wrong? Yeah, I'm not
Angel, and I'm not sorry about that. I mean, have you
met the guy? And come on, I saved Buffy! It this
because I'm from Iowa? It's the Iowa thing, isn't it?
Well, I can't help that. What do you people want from
me?
(Riley leaves.)
NATALIE
Riley, don't go too far, I need to give you a hug. And
I just want to say that our runner up couldn't make it
here because the little were-bitch really was eaten by
a dingo.
OZ
I'm never going to live that down, am I?
NATALIE
You're lucky you're not banished to the band for that.
NICK
Sh, my turn. Next one is for how bad did you cry when
Oz left, either time?
OZ
Great.
NICK
(ignoring him)
A) Not at all, but I wanted to, B) A lot, C) My face
now looks all pruny from crying, or D) As only Nick
could. And the winner is A.
OZ
Thanks.
NATALIE
Hey, I sobbed. Both times. And I can't watch the first
time anymore because I just want to sic the Oompa
Loompas on the little tralk. Anyway, next award goes
to... What do you think now, Faithfull or Faithless?
And considering last year ended in a dead tie, I'm
proud to say that Faithfull won by a complete
landslide.
NICK
Of course Faith couldn't be here to accept this since
she's in jail, but we accept this award on her behalf.
OZ
Next award is for the Best Guy from the Initiative.
And the award goes to... Graham. Of course.
NATALIE
And Graham couldn't be here, either, because he's now
testifying for the whole Initiative thing.
(Several Graham Crackers get up and leave in
disappointment.)
LARRAQ
Wait a microt. Does anyone actually show up for me to
give them their awards, or do I just have to stand
here and look good?
NATALIE
Bingo, baby.
NICK
Next award is for the scene that made you cry like a
baby. And the award goes to... Doyle's death. But
Doyle couldn't be here, since he's dead, so we'll
accept this on his behalf.
NATALIE
Next award goes to moment where you wanted to throw
something at the TV. OZ AND VERUCA! OZ AND VERUCA!!!!
OZ
Okay, you know what?
NATALIE
Sorry, I don't know what came over me. Award goes to
Buffy and Riley.
(Buffy and Riley come onstage, and Larraq gives them
their awards.)
BUFFY
What exactly did we win this award for?
NATALIE
I don't know. There were several votes for just
Buffy/Riley.
RILEY
I don't believe this...
BUFFY
Well, I don't think we should thank anyone, so maybe I
can use this award as a weapon next season.
OZ
Don't go anywhere guys. You won the next award, too.
RILEY
What's the next award?
OZ
Moment you wondered what the hell Joss was doing, and
the Buffy/Riley sex hour won.
BUFFY
Hey, I covered that in the episode!
RILEY
I'm now going to be leaving. Good night, all!
(Larraq gives Buffy and Riley their second awards
before they both leave in a huff.)
NICK
Hopefully they won't win anything else or Larraq's out
of a job. Next one is for most painful injury. And the
winner is Cordelia, for being impaled in Lovers Walk.
(Cordelia comes onstage and gets her award from
Larraq.)
CORDELIA
Hello, salty goodness!
NATALIE
Back off, Cordy, he's mine!
CORDELIA
Keep telling yourself that. Wait, he's not a demon or
a vampire or dead or icky or anything, is he?
LARRAQ
Well, technically I was killed off. And Natalie keeps
calling me an alien. I'm not the same species as any
of you, I know that.
CORDELIA
Dammit. Okay, whatever. I always thought my first
award would be like for best actress or something, but
I guess this is good preparation for the Oscars,
right? I'd like to thank Xander and Willow for being
enormous dorks and hurting me emotionally so I could
go get hurt physically. I say that sarcastically, by
the way. And thanks for voting me for this one,
because it hurt a lot, and until any of you get
something sharp stuck through your body so that it
goes in one end and comes out the other, I have you
all beat. Thank you!
(She goes to leave.)
NATALIE
And we added an award that no one got to vote on
because it was based on Little Willow's statement that
"Lindsay's hand wins for Fakest Looking Injury."
NICK
But Lindsay's not here. I think he's plotting.
NATALIE
Cool, he's cute when he's plotting. Next award is for
the scene that made you laugh till your spleen hurt.
And the award goes to Spike's rooftop speech!
(Spike comes onstage, grabs his award from Larraq and
goes to the microphone.)
SPIKE
Thanks, I guess. It's good to know you all enjoyed me
making fun of Angel as much as I enjoyed making fun of
him.
(Spike leaves.)
OZ
Natalie, you can stop drooling now.
NATALIE
Make me.
OZ
Anyway... The award for best fight goes to Buffy vs.
Angel in Becoming.
(Angel comes onstage and gets his award from Larraq)
ANGEL
Well, Buffy left with that guy, so I guess that leaves
me to accept this. Um... Thanks for bringing back a
lot of painful memories, I really appreciate it.
Spike, I think you and I have to have a little talk
after the show.
SPIKE
(from the audience)
How 'bout now?
ANGEL
I don't want to embarrass you.
SPIKE
Nice comeback, Nancy Boy. That doesn't make you look
like a sissy at all.
NICK
Just so you two know, all this testosterone is going
to probably kill several of our female Hanniganites.
Take it outside.
SPIKE
We are outside. I guess this means it's fighting time,
doesn't it? You're a demon, I can kill you, let's go!
ANGEL
(to the audience)
Thanks, I guess.
(Angel leaves and he and Spike go out to the parking
lot.)
OZ
(about Natalie)
Is she okay?
NICK
Yeah. You've never seen her during Farscape, have you?
She'll be fine. Next award is for Best Storyline. And
the winner is... Evil Angel. For the third year in a
row. And Angel is now duking it out with Spike in the
parking lot.
OZ
What parking lot? We're on a street.
NICK
Someone's driveway? I don't know.
NATALIE
Okay, I'm back. Next award is for best quote. And it
goes to Spike's rooftop speech. I hope someone took my
camera out there. I want pictures!!!
OZ
And the winner for best song is... Full of Grace by
Sarah McLachlan. That's another one for the third
time, isn't it?
NATALIE
I think so. Guess that just proves that second season
ruled.
NICK
Don't start this. Just let me do my award. The winner
for best recurring character is a tie. One winner is
Faith, who we already said is in jail, but we'll try
to smuggle it in to her. It'll be the plot of an
upcoming Nick and Natalie Show episode. And the other
one goes to Anya.
(Anya comes onstage. Several Hanniganite list members
start drooling. Larraq gives her her award.)
ANYA
I was going to start this with a joke, but Xander
stole my note cards and the joke wasn't funny enough
to remember it. It's good to know that a 1100 year old
vengeance demon can actually make something of herself
in this world, even if it is by public opinion and
thus not based on my actual character or personality
or morals, but by how popular I am with you people.
Which is pretty cool by itself.
(Anya leaves.)
NATALIE
Tough act to follow, that girl. Now the award for best
character is also a tie. First one goes to Spike...
Someone get Spike.
(Spike and Angel come back in, both beat up but still
gorgeous.)
SPIKE
Already here, mate. What'd I win?
NATALIE
A couple of them. This one's for best character.
SPIKE
Cool. You like me, you really like me. Good for you.
(Spike leaves and sits down.)
NATALIE
And the other one goes to Willow. Yeah, any shock?
SPIKE
(from the audience)
It was a bloody tie?
(Willow comes onstage and gets her award.)
WILLOW
Hi, Oz.
OZ
Hi, Will.
WILLOW
I'd like to thank the Academy, and all you guys. And
you are the Academy. Okay. I know I was a little mopey
earlier in the season, and I'm sorry. And I've made a
couple choices I know not all of you are happy with,
but I like knowing that you all still love me anyway.
Thank you!
(Willow goes offstage.)
OZ
Last award.
(Cheers from the audience)
NICK
Oh my God, they're still awake!
NATALIE
Except for those in their drooling-induced comas.
OZ
The award for best Buffy episode goes to... Hush.
NICK
And we couldn't figure out who to get to accept the
award, so we accept this for whoever. And the award
for best Angel episode goes to Hero.
(Several people start crying.)
NATALIE
That's what fanfic is for, guys. Well, it's been fun,
guys! We've had some fights, people actually showed
up, we're shorter than the Oscars and we had a really
cute Mr. Ramblings Awards.
LARRAQ
Thank you.
NICK
I think this one has sucked less than previous years.
OZ
I concur.
NATALIE
See you all next year!
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