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The 4th Annual Ramblings Awards (2001)
Hanni favorites from the first 5 BTVS seasons and first 2 Angel seasons
Written and posted by Natalie (PrincssNat) 6/4/01
NATALIE
Hello, all, and welcome to the fourth annual Ramblings Awards!
(Audience cheers.)
NATALIE
This year we're doing it a little special. Welcome to the Fourth Annual Ramblings Awards/Telethon! What are we raising money for? Um, well, it was to send me to a convention, but that's over, so let's settle for raising money to get people to the Hanniversary party this year. We're here once again on the corner of Sunnydale and Harvest with my cohosts Nick, and Oz, and Mr. Ramblings Awards, Larraq.
NICK
Ahoy hoy.
OZ
Hey.
LARRAQ
Decca.
(thunk.)
NICK
We should have padded those floors. Well, I guess we should start going until she comes to, huh?
OZ
Sure.
NICK
Okay then. First award is for Best Buffy character.
(Nick opens the envelope.)
NICK
I am very pleased to present this award as the president of the Almighty Hanniganite Family...
OZ
So it's Willow.
(Crickets chirp.)
NICK
Yeah, it's Willow.
(Loud obnoxious orchestra music plays as Willow steps out onstage. Larraq hands her her trophy.)
WILLOW
Thank you so much for voting me best character again. You're all so sweet. And look, he's all gold and shiny and Miss Kitty will be dazzled by him for hours. Ooh, I wonder if it's real gold. Cuz I just found this spell...
(Conductor starts playing music.)
WILLOW
Why can't I be Julia Roberts right now? Thank you very much! I love you!
(Willow walks offstage.)
OZ
Hey. People showed this year.
NICK
Since this is a telethon, we need acts to pass the time and keep you awake unlike the last three years. The Frog was going to do a little dance number, but a certain network won't let him. [coughcoughthewbcough] So instead, he will dazzle you with his sitting there.
(Nick makes way for the Frog to be wheeled out on a cart, pushed by Mike. The Frog sits there.)
(Someone coughs.)
(The Frog continues to sit there.)
NICK
He's amazing, isn't he?
(More loud obnoxious music as Mike takes the Frog away.)
NICK
And thanks to Mike for doing the wonderful job of wheeling out the Frog.
OZ
And thank you to our other Hannihelpers, Danielle and Little Willow, for all the other little stuff they're doing tonight.
MIKE
Shiny dresses...
(Danielle and Little Willow push Mike offstage, which is easy to do since he is distracted by the shiny dresses.)
(Natalie wakes up.)
NATALIE
What'd I miss? What year is it?
OZ
We took the first award.
NATALIE
Damb.
NICK
And the Frog sat there.
(Awkward silence.)
OZ
Our second award goes to the best Angel character. And the award goes to... Cordelia.
(More loud obnoxious music as Cordelia comes onstage in a bad, bad, BAD dress. Larraq hands her the award, making a gagging face at the dress.)
CORDELIA
Thank you! Thank you! Oh, this is more like it! I won last year for that injury award and let's face it, I deserve to be here for something cool. And now I am! Oh, I have so many people to thank.
(Cordelia pulls out a list.)
CORDELIA
Wesley, Gunn, Angel and all those other people for making me look better, all those vampire people for also making me look better, my parents who left me broke- by the way, *thanks*, Mom and Dad- everyone who told me I should move to LA because face it, I'm better than everyone in Sunnydale anyway... My agent, who will be fired now that I'm famous, and of course, the good people who make Advil. Thank you!
(Cordelia walks off.)
NICK
We have people. We never have people.
NATALIE
It's called blackmail. And extortion. And kidnapping. Not that I committed any of those because, of course, that would be wrong. Next award is for best storyline. And the award goes to... once again, Evil Angel!
(Angel walks onstage with the bad music and the award-giving and the usual.)
ANGEL
Um, thanks, I think. I'm glad you all enjoyed watching me torture my girlfriend and her friends and kill innocent people and try to destroy the world, but you have to realize that I still have to make up for that. You people don't know what it's like, to do things like that and to have to live with it. Come on, you've seen me brood. There's a reason. I get a lot of good brooding time-
SHAB
(from the audience)
We like your hair!
ANGEL
Really? Does it look okay?
(Angel starts playing with his hair as the loud obnoxious music plays.)
NICK
This past segment has been brought to you by Hair Gel.
OZ
And since this is a telethon, we have to check the boards every now and then to see if people are actually paying us stuff. Let's go to Eva at the desk.
(Cut to Eva in front of the phone desk, where several Hanniganites are taking orders.)
EVA
Thank you, Oz. You're buggish. These people behind me have offered their time and energy and their right to fall asleep in the audience to take calls from our viewers. Thank you, guys. And now our grand total!
(The board starts spinning numbers, stopping on \\$000,000,000.53.)
EVA
Fifty-three cents? Guys...
SANDY The PHONE VOLUNTEER
I tossed in the fifty-three cents.
EVA
Why?
SANDY The PHONE VOLUNTEER
Because I've been on the phone for the last half hour.
EVA
Fifty-three cents and a bunch of what's ups. Great. Back to you, guys. Sheesh.
(Oz, Nick and Natalie stare at the phone people.)
NATALIE
Dude. Let's move on.
OZ
We have another act for you now. We have karaoke for you.
(Nick puts in earplugs.)
OZ
To introduce our next act, we bring you the Host.
(The Host comes onstage, all dolled up.)
HOST
Thank you, thank you, you're a wonderful crowd. And you're awake! Even more wonderful. To make this interesting, our test subjects do not know what they're going to have to sing. Thus, we laugh at them. And now, the song stylings of Wesley Wyndham-Price and Charles Gunn.
(Cut to Wesley and Gunn onstage.)
NATALIE
GUNN!!!!!!! Hi, Lori. =)
(The music starts playing.)
WESLEY
Oh, God.
GUNN
No! Hell, no! I'm not doing this!
NATALIE
You're getting paid, guys!
GUNN
Not enough!
(Anya and Cordelia run onstage.)
ANYA
Did someone say 'paid'?
(The girls hold Wesley and Gunn onstage as they start singing.)
CORDELIA
Yo, I'll tell you what I want what I really really want...
KARYN
Woo!
ANYA
So tell me what you want what you really really want...
GUNN
I. Ain't. Doing. This.
WESLEY
(with great difficulty)
I'll tell you what I want what I really really want.
GUNN
Sellout.
CORDELIA
So tell me what you want what you really really want...
ANYA
I wanna-
(Karyn jumps out onstage.)
KARYN
I wanna I wanna I wanna I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha!
(The music stops.)
CORDELIA
What happened?
(Nick drops the plug and moves slowly away.)
GUNN
Thank you!
(Gunn runs to Nick and hugs him.)
NICK
I think I saw someone's ears bleeding...
ANYA
Do we still get paid?
(Danielle, Little Willow and Larraq escort the non-Spice Girls offstage.)
(James and Randy try to rush the stage, slipping on drool. Larraq then escorts them away from Anya.)
NATALIE
And after that, we need a break. Next award, *please*.
NICK
The next award goes to Moment You Started Bawling Like a Baby. The award goes to... Buffy's death! Of course, Buffy's dead so she can't accept the award, and we were going to bring out Joss but he's fearing a stabbing from Natalie. So we now go via satellite to Buffy's grave!
(Cut to Buffy's grave, where the award sits against the tombstone.)
NATALIE
I think we just earned our own award for Worst Taste.
(Nick wipes a tear from his eye.)
NICK
Dick Clark has informed us that we're running a bit long, so we're going to skip the next few acts.
OZ
What's Dick Clark doing here?
NICK
I don't know.
(Silence.)
NATALIE
Anyway. The next award is for Moment You About Burst Your Spleen. And the award goes to... Oh, yay. "Numfar! Do the dance of joy!"
(Numfar comes out, doing the Dance of Celebration. Larraq looks at him strangely.)
LARRAQ
I'm giving the award to him?
NATALIE
Yes, sweetie. Give the dancing man his nice award.
(Larraq tries to give Numfar the award, but he is interrupting the dance if he does.)
NATALIE
Numfar! Stop doing the dance of celebration!
(Numfar stops. Larraq hands him the award.)
NATALIE
Numfar! Continue the dance of celebration!
(Numfar continues the dance of celebration.)
OZ
Our next award is for Character You Wish Would Get Sucked into an Alternate Dimension. We have a tie. First award for Character You Wish Would Get Sucked into an Alternate Dimension goes to... Ben. Who's dead. So that doesn't work. The second award for Character You Wish Would Get Sucked into an Alternate Dimension is Fred.
(Fred comes onstage and Larraq gives her the award.)
NATALIE
Were you looking at her?
LARRAQ
No, I wasn't.
NATALIE
Yes, you were. I saw you.
LARRAQ
I wasn't looking at Fred.
NATALIE
I knew we should have (mumbles something) before we left the house!
FRED
Can I talk now?
NATALIE
Sure. Whatever.
FRED
I'd just like to say that I already got sucked into an alternate dimension. I'm not going back until I've had my fill of enchiladas.
(Fred walks off, accompanied by the bad music. Numfar continues to dance the dance of celebration.)
NICK
And the next award goes for Best Couple. From a male lesbian to two female lesbians, congratulations to Willow and Tara!
(Willow and Tara come onstage holding hands.)
WILLOW
Thank you again.
TARA
Thanks for this award. Willow has always been there for me, and we've both been through a bad time and got through it... Hi, Oz.
OZ
Hey.
WILLOW
And we'd like to thank you all for being incredibly cool about this, since you didn't have to be, and we both love you all for it.
TARA
Thank you!
(They walk offstage.)
ADAM
(from the audience)
Where's the kiss! Shaz! We got gypped!
OZ
We now go back to the board and Eva.
(Cut to Eva at the phone desk, where she's sighing.)
EVA
Hi. Want to come back later?
NATALIE
Why, what happened?
EVA
*Someone* [coughcoughKriscough] broke the phone.
KRIS The PHONE VOLUNTEER
I said I was sorry! I'm paying for the phone.
EVA
The good thing about the Hanniganites is that everyone gets along most of the time and everyone likes to talk. The bad thing is everyone likes to talk even when they should be watching Numfar doing his dance or whatever. Let's see what we're up to.
(Cut to the board, which now reads \\$000,000,042.53.)
EVA
Well, that's better. Back to you. Pay us, people!
NATALIE
And the award for best Buffy quote is... Okay, well, there were no winners. Everything got one vote and there's really no way to do this right. Nick, Oz and I picked the absolute best of the quotes in our majority opinion. Since this is a telethon and it's not long enough as it is, we have invited all available parties to recite their quotes.
OZ
And by invited, you mean...
NATALIE
Got Mr. Peacekeeper Larraq to storm their places and bring 'em in. I told you they would all come one day! Huzzah!
(Larraq smiles and looks gorgeous.)
NATALIE
And to announce the quotes, is our Quote Lady Di.
(Di comes out to announce, bad music accompanying her.)
DI
Hi. So our first quote "volunteer" is Xander Harris doing a dramatic quote.
(Xander comes out.)
XANDER
"But you miss the point. You shut down, Buffy. And you've been treating Riley like the rebound guy. When he's the one that comes along once in a lifetime. He's never held back with you. He's risked everything. And um..." You know, I said this as spur of the moment, I don't remember what I said.
(Di sighs.)
DI
And you're about to let him fly because you don't like ultimatums? If he's not the guy, if what he needs from you just isn't there, let him go. Break his heart, and make it a clean break. But if you really think you can love this guy... I'm talking scary, messy, no-emotions-barred need... if you're ready for that... then think about what you're about to lose.
(Xander applauds.)
XANDER
Thank you.
(He starts to leave, but Larraq blocks his way.)
DI
And now again is Xander Harris, now doing a humorous quote. You better remember this.
XANDER
Oh, right. Damn it! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects, and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey.
CORDE
(from the audience)
No more buttmonkey!
(Several Hanniganites cheer.)
XANDER
Can I go now?
DI
Yes. Thank you, Xander.
(Xander leaves. Now is Willow Rosenberg with a quote we all know and love.)
(Willow comes back out with a piece of paper in front of her.)
WILLOW
We don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.
(Willow smiles and walks off. Hanniganites cheer obnoxiously loudly.)
DI
And now Spike.
(Spike comes out.)
SPIKE
I can't believe I'm doing this. If I didn't have this chip in my head...
DI
Quote...
(Spike sighs. Spike sees Numfar dancing. Spike sighs again.)
SPIKE
It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends, they don't have a rock this big.
(Someone shrieks.)
DANIELLE
Call me "Little Bit!"
(Little Willow has to drag Danielle offstage.)
SPIKE
Thanks.
(Spike leaves.)
DI
Our last quote comes from Buffy. Who's dead-
NATALIE
She's not dead, dammit!
DI
But anyway, so we have Sunny.
(Sunny comes onstage.)
SUNNY
Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he says please. And then I get a cookie.
DI
Thank you.
(Di and Sunny both walk offstage with the bad music.)
OZ
At this point I'd like to thank Dingoes Ate My Baby for the really cheesy music.
(Applause.)
NICK
We have a winner for Best Angel quote. The winner is Spike's rooftop speech!
(Spike comes out.)
SPIKE
I'm not doing the damn quote. It's bad enough you got me here to do that one. And you won't even let me fight Angel this year. What's the deal giving us dressing rooms so far away? He owes me a fight for last year.
ANGEL
I don't need to fight you, Spike.
SPIKE
Nancy boy.
(Spike looks at Numfar, who continues to dance.)
Hey, you! Stop doing the bloody dance of Celebration and do the Dance of Waiting in the Green Room before I do the Dance of Ripping Out Your Tongue!
(Numfar dances away.)
SPIKE
Thanks for realizing that I'm better than everyone else.
ARIA
(from the audience)
Marry me, Spike! Spike!
(Spike walks offstage.)
NATALIE
The next award is one I'm very proud. Best bad guy goes to Glory! Who comes to us via another dimension!
(Glory pops up on the television screen.)
GLORY
Thought I was dead, didn't you? Well ha! I'm not. I'm a god. Please. Blah blah, kill Ben, blah. It takes more than that to get rid of me. I defied the writers, because I can do that. I'm back home, right where I should be. So take that, monks! Didn't even need you! Thanks for recognizing that I kick ass, and sorry your world sucks. Thanks.
(The TV goes off.)
NICK
Our next award goes to best song. And once again, for the third year in a row, the winner is Full of Grace by Sarah McLachlan. To sing the winning song, we have the Host!
(Applause as the Host goes back to the karaoke stage. He sings the song ala disco style, flourishing with the chorus of "I Will Survive". I can't write that funnily, so close your eyes and picture it. Giggle, and come back to the awards.)
NICK
Thank you to the Host.
OZ
The next award goes for ickiest Injury. The award goes to Cordelia for the second year in a row for getting impaled with a stick.
(Cordelia comes back out in another ugly dress, and Larraq gives her another award.)
CORDELIA
Thank you once again for the award I didn't really want, but at least you're acknowledging my pain. That was more than anyone else did for me back then. Thank you so much for recognizing my anguish and letting me shine on this stage for just one minute more.
(Cordelia blows kisses to the audience as she walks off.)
NATALIE
Cordelia, stay here. Next award is our Award That's Not Really, and it's The Best Way to Get Cordelia a new wardrobe.
CORDELIA
Hey!
NATALIE
Cordy, I hate it break it to you, but we need to go shopping. Badly. You have a problem, and you need help.
CORDELIA
I like my clothes.
NATALIE
And that's the problem
OZ
This is what people suggested. Let Dennis find a fitting punishment for them, or make Angel feel REALLY guilty. You can do as Dan says and say "Bah. They need to take away MORE of her clothes. So she's nekkid all the time." You can have Angel and his "gay man taste" take her shopping, put her in a new dimension, make her be a paper girl and own it-
CORDELIA
Oh, *please*.
OZ
There are ploys to win her friendship, buy it for her, have Gunn buy her clothes-
NATALIE
He would have better taste.
OZ
Angel did that already, burn the current one, like it, or as Karyn says, "Make her gay. It worked for Willow."
CORDELIA
If that was going to happen, I would have gone for Harmony. Okay, I wouldn't have gone for Harmony. But... you know what I mean! Argh!
(Cordelia storms offstage.)
NICK
And the character you wish they'd bring back is... Faith! And live from prison is Faith herself!
(Faith comes onto the TV screen.)
FAITH
Hi, all. So thanks for all the support. I'm going what I can to get out, and we'll see how it goes. Cuz, y'know, I'm not getting out on good behavior. Maybe a jailbreak is in order... Thanks!
(The TV shuts off.)
OZ
We now go back to Eva at the phone desk.
(Cut to Eva at the phone desk.)
EVA
Okay, fine. I'm playing dirty now. The Host, music!
(The Host puts on music at the karaoke stage.)
EVA
I am bringing you karaoke. Bad karaoke. And it will continue until we at least break a hundred. Maestro!
(At the karaoke stage, Scott is there with a microphone.)
SCOTT
(singing)
Fish heads, fish heads, rolly poly fish heads-
(The phones start ringing off the hook.)
SCOTT
Fish heads, fish heads, eat 'em up, yum...
(Scott finishes the song, followed by a rousing round of "Dead Puppies.)
(Next up is Kim.)
KIM
(singing)
All the small things. True care, truth brings...
(Kim finishes up the song, making way for Dan.)
(Next up is Kim.)
DAN
(singing)
There's a lot of pretty, pretty ones. They want to get you high. But all the pretty, pretty ones. Will leave you low and blow your mind. We're all stars now in the dope show...
(Dan finishes up, and here comes sarah.)
sarah
(singing)
you say you want a revolution. well, you know, we all want to change the world...
(Cut back to Eva, who is smiling.)
EVA
Thanks to Scott, Kim, Dan and special guest star sarah for getting us not only past the hundred dollar mark, but to a grand total of...
(Eva does her best Vanna White impression, and the board is up to \\$000,000,647.53.)
PHONE VOLUNTEERS
Woo!
EVA
Back to you, guys!
OZ
Cool.
The next award goes to the Moment You Wondered what the Hell Joss/Greenwalt was doing. The award goes to the Initiative. We'd have someone accept the award but let's face it, we all want to forget that time. Next is a special award. Nick?
NICK
Thank you. This year I will be presenting The First Annual The Usual Golden Penguin Award for Lifetime Achievement Relating to Buffy and/or Angel. This year we celebrate a great man who, despite his relatively short career, has made many fans. The people love him because of the laughter. The hospitals love him because of the splenectomies resulting from the laughter. Tonight we honor the one, the only... Numfar.
(Nick's personal orchestra of tone deaf fourth graders with kazoos and a screeching cat begins to play.)
NICK
While it is true that Numfar has only technically appeared in one episode of "Angel" - one scene,. for that matter - he has left an impression on all fans. He has worked his entire life for this moment. There were the dance lessons as a child. There was the dancing as an adult. And in the end, there is dancing... and laughter. And now, I present to you the first The Usual Golden Penguin Award recipient, Numfar! Come out here and do the dance of Lifetime Achievement!
(Numfar comes out, accepts the Golden Penguin Award from Nick, and does the dance of Lifetime Achievement. Once it becomes apparent that he is giving his speech through dance, he is dragged off the stage. Orchestra stops.)
OZ
We are coming to an end.
(polite applause.)
OZ
And I think everyone is still awake. This is a first. Huh. The next award is for the Best Buffy Episode. The award goes to... The Body.
NATALIE
Becoming has been dethroned!
(Willow, Xander, Giles, Spike, Anya, Dawn and Tara come onstage to accept the award from Larraq.)
DAWN
On behalf of Buffy and our mom, I'd like to say thanks. Glory, you're a bitch and I hate you.
GILES
Thank you for recognizing our pain and hard work this season, and we hoped we touched you.
XANDER
Joss tortures us, you know.
GILES
Xander!
XANDER
No, really. You think we want to do this? Buffy's not dead! It's a conspiracy! We will not be silenced! Viva la revolution! No more buttmonkey!
(The annoying music begins again as everyone leaves and Xander is dragged offstage.)
NATALIE
The final award is for Best Angel Episode. The award goes to... I Will Remember You.
(Angel, Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn and the Host come onstage.)
CORDELIA
Guys, you weren't even on for this episode.
GUNN
Yeah. We don't care.
WESLEY
We were there in spirit.
THE HOST
Thanks, guys!
ANGEL
Thanks for witnessing my pain for an episode no one else even remembers. Or was there for.
CORDELIA
And thanks from Doyle and his damn visions.
ANGEL
Thank you!
NATALIE
Let's go back to Eva and the board one last time.
(Cut to Eva and the phone desk.)
EVA
Thanks for donating your money, guys. It'll all go for a good cause. Us. What we don't spend on the Hanniversary party will be used to refurnish parts of the Hannihouse. And our final total...
(The board shows \\$000,000,987.53. Confetti and streamers rain down..)
EVA
Thanks, guys! See you next year!
OZ
Thanks for watching, guys.
NATALIE
Thanks for staying awake through the 2001 Ramblings Awards. See you next year!
NICK
Have a day!
(Cue cheesy award music and the credits roll.)
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