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The 5th Annual Ramblings Awards (2002)
Hanni favorites from the first 6 BTVS seasons and first 3 Angel seasons
Written and posted by Natalie (PrincssNat) 6/4/02
NATALIE
Hi there once again for the fifth annual Ramblings Awards!
(Audience cheers.)
NATALIE
Once again, with the Dingoes playing their intros, are my cohosts, Nick Haha and Oz..
OZ
Hi.
NICK
Howdy.
(Natalie takes a quick break to do her annual Susan Lucci thing with the dress.)
NATALIE
We're coming to you as usual from the corner of Sunnydale and Harvest, but we're doing this kinda quick, because then I have to go elope to Vegas with the Host.
THE HOST
Hi there.
NATALIE
Dude, told y'all I was gonna.
DI
I'm still the flower girl, right?
THE HOST
Of course, honey. We couldn't do this without you.
DI
Aww...
OZ
Maybe we should get to this before Anya figures out we're stealing her thunder.
NICK
What's with Anya?
OZ
She's all vengeance demon-y and talking about how the wedding is going to be all horrible. It's kind of sad.
NATALIE
She'll have to deal, dammit. Who wants to start?
OZ
I will. The first award is for Best Storyline. And the winner is... Willow going bad. Huh.
(Willow comes onstage, looking all nervous. Larraq, Mr. Ramblings Awards, gives her the award.)
WILLOW
Um, thanks. I was really kind of hoping everyone would forget all about this, since I don't come away looking very good, but I guess since it was the last thing everyone saw, I was kind of a shoo-in, right? That's what I'm going to tell myself, anyway. Um, thanks to Warren, for letting me rip off his skin, and to all the cops for not arresting me, and to Xander for knocking some sense into me. To Buffy and Giles, I'm sorry, and Dawn, I'm really sorry for threatening you and calling you a whiner. I'm very sorry. Thank you.
(She walks offstage.)
OZ
I need to start watching again.
THE HOST
Why haven't you?
OZ
I've been spending my time on other projects. Career advice: stay away from puppets.
NICK
The next award is for Best Character on Angel. The winner is one of the few characters that actually stayed true to their actual character. Fred.
(Fred comes onstage, all cute and bouncy, making goo-goo faces at Gunn in the audience. Larraq gives her the award.)
FRED
Thank you. I've never won an award before. I want to thank everyone for voting for me, the writers for writing me well, and Gunn, for being all cute and sweet.
(Audience awwws.)
FRED
That's all I have to say. Thank y'all.
(Fred leaves the stage.)
NATALIE
My turn, my turn! The next award is for Best Buffy Character. And the winner for the twenty-sixth year in a row is Willow!
(Willow comes back onstage, and Larraq gives her another award.)
WILLOW
Hi again. Um, thanks to everyone who voted even though I was kind of bitchy this season. I'm still very sorry. I hope everyone forgives me. Thank you.
(Willow walks offstage.)
OZ
I feel like I should give her a hug.
NATALIE
And where do you think you're going?
OZ
To give Willow a hug. You've got a fiance now, right?
NATALIE
It's called a harem, sweetie. You're still part of it.
OZ
Um, thanks?
(Oz goes to give Willow a hug anyway.)
SEVERAL MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE
Willow and Oz in 2002/2003!
OZ
I knew that was going to happen.
THE HOST
Is it my turn now?
NICK
Well, you are the Host.
THE HOST
Ha ha.
NICK
Me.
(The Host rolls his eyes. Kim comes onstage just to hit Nick in the head for the joke.)
NICK
Worth it!
THE HOST
I'm taking my turn now, thankyouverymuch. The next award goes to Worst Dressed. Ooh, I got a good category. I didn't get any votes, did I?
NATALIE
Sh, sweetie. Just read the prompter.
THE HOST
And the winner is, Anya.
(Anya comes onstage in a really ugly outfit, and Larraq gives her her award.)
ANYA
Oh, please. Of all the awards you could give me, *this* is it? You once voted me Best Recurring Character and now I'm Worst Dressed. Come on, people, give me some credit. It's been a really bad year. So I sleep in a bra and tap pants. So I wear Peter Pan collars. Is that really so bad in the grand scheme of things? Come on, Willow ripped off a guy's skin and tried to end the world.
WILLOW
Hey!
ANYA
I'm just telling the truth. And really, when you think about it, there was one episode where Xander wore a pink sweater. And what was Spike's deal this year?
SPIKE
Hey!
ANYA
And in conclusion, the Fashion Nazi dresses me. So there. Oh, and by the way, your wedding is gonna suck.
THE HOST
Is not.
ANYA
Is too.
THE HOST
is not.
ANYA
Is too!
NATALIE
Security!
(One lone person applauds as Anya leaves the stage with security as her escort.)
XANDER
I can't imagine why I let that one go.
OZ
Well, that was weird. The next award is for Character You Want to See Eaten by the Phallic Demon that Only Willow Can Defeat. And it's a tie. The first award goes to Warren, who couldn't be here because he's kind of dust.
NATALIE
And I get to read this because it was funny. Sarah's vote went to "Warren, but she really took care of that one herself, didn't she?"
OZ
The other award goes to Andrew.
NICK
He's not here either, because he and Jonathan ran off to Mexico.
NATALIE
And right now, we're going to cut really quick to Karyn, who I am caught in a ratings war with.
(The camera cuts to Karyn's soundstage, where she is freebasing sugar over a candle.)
NATALIE
Or maybe we should just leave her alone for now. Next award?
NICK
The next award is for best fight. And we have a four-way tie. This is going to end well. Let's bring them all onstage at once and let them fight for the award. Angel and Buffy in Becoming, Willow and Buffy in Grave, Willow and Giles in Grave, and Faith and Buffy in Graduation.
(All the named people come onstage. Angel is all wet. Larraq, now dressed as a referee with a whistle around his neck, holds one award up.)
ANGEL
I made it!
BUFFY
Why are you all wet?
ANGEL
Long story. I was in a box. The producers let me out for this award show. I'm so glad to be out of there. I was starting to get all wrinkly.
WILLOW
I'm not going to fight! I'm very sorry, okay! I'm up twice for one episode. Can we please just forget it? I was having a very bad day!
(Faith is on a television screen, via satellite from jail.)
FAITH
I'll take your place, red. I'm so bored in here.
ANGEL
Buffy, I don't want to fight you.
BUFFY
I don't want to fight you, either.
GILES
And I don't even have that magic anymore. Willow took it from me.
WILLOW
I'm sorry!!!
LARRAQ
Look, you're all going to fight, and you're going to enjoy it. Decca.
(Several thuds as a couple girls swoon.)
NICK
Okay, this isn't going the way I wanted it to. Just give it to Buffy. She's in three of the fights anyway.
BUFFY
You make me sound so violent.
BUFFY
Comes with the territory. Moving on.
ANGEL
Can we leave now?
(The producers bring the box onstage.)
ANGEL
No! I want to stay onstage. I want to stay onstage! The kid is so grounded.
BUFFY
What kid?
(Angel now goes willingly into the box. Everyone else goes back to their seats.)
THE HOST
Didn't he used to be kind of a badass?
NATALIE
The next award is for Most Painful Injury. And we have another tie. We have quite a few ties. The first award goes to Warren, who got his skin ripped off.
WILLOW
I'm sorry!
NATALIE
Of course, he can't accept it. And the second award goes to- as Eva put it- "Buffy stuffing Spike's heart up his butt."
(Angel yells from inside the box)
ANGEL
Wait. What?
(David Greenwalt drags the box away as Spike glares menacingly at the box.)
SPIKE
Um, thanks to Buffy for being such a bitch, to Xander for being such a bitch, to everyone for being really stupid and bitchy to me, and a bit fat ha to Angel.
ANGEL
(still in the box)
Let me out of here!
SPIKE
Not so tough inside your big box, are you now? Poofter.
(David Greenwalt, seeing that this could be fun, lets Angel back out of the box.)
ANGEL
What the hell.
BUFFY
Oh, this is going to be bad...
SPIKE
You heard me, mate.
ANGEL
I'm not your mate!
NATALIE
In some fanfics you are.
ANGEL
You stay out of this. Look, I'm her soul mate.
SPIKE
Maybe I'm her soul mate.
ANGEL
You don't have a soul!
SPIKE
I do now. Ha! Didn't see that plot twist coming, did you?
(Angel punches Spike. Spike punches Angel. The Host gets up to get popcorn, brings it back, and shares. Finally security arrives to pull Angel and Spike apart.)
ANGEL
No, no, not the box again!
(David Greenwalt puts Angel back in the box, and locks it this time.)
THE HOST
Well, that was fun. The next award is for Best Song. And once again, the award goes to Sarah McLachlan for Full of Grace. Sarah McLachlan, of course, could not be here, because she's Sarah McLachlan and this isn't the MTV Movie Awards.
BUFFY
Thursday night! Watch it! It looks cool!
OZ
Next is The Damn Baby Award for the Moment You Wondered What the Hell Was Going On. And as Dan put it, the award goes to "ironically, THE DAMN BABY."
(David Greenwalt comes onstage.)
DAVID GREENWALT
I'll make it up to you next season.
(David Greenwalt takes the award from the again-tuxedo-dressed Larraq and leaves.)
NICK
Next up is the award for the Moment You Sobbed Like a Little Girl.
((Nick pulls out a hanky.)
NICK
The award goes to (sob) Tara dying.
(The entire audience starts sniffling and sobbing.)
NATALIE
Great, make me follow that. The next award is For Best Couple. Dammit, the award goes to Willow and Tara.
(The audience starts crying harder. Willow's bawling by now.)
NATALIE
Make sure her hair doesn't spontaneously change color, okay?
OZ
I really need to start watching again.
THE HOST
It gets worse, people. The Character You'd Cast a Spell For to Bring Back is of course, Tara.
NICK
(laughing hysterically)
Loan shark!!
(Nick goes back to crying for Tara.)
WILLOW
Casting a spell. Ooh, that's an idea.
XANDER
It's a bad idea. There will be none of that.
WILLOW
It can't happen, anyway.
XANDER
It scares me that you checked.
WILLOW
Stupid Osiris.
(The camera cuts to Karyn, who has stopped freebasing and instead now holds a cholocate martini.)
KARYN
Can't Faith and Tara just have a baby and accelerate her growth and then put her on the show and I'll be happy?
(Willow sobs harder.)
NATALIE
And the Spice Vice President makes the Almighty Adorable One cry. I'll blame it on the martini.
OZ
By the way, Sandy says she wants the Real Angel, not Dork Angel back.
ANGEL
(From inside the box)
Hey!
DAVID GREENWALT
I told you, wait till next season.
NICK
Feels just like being a Cubs fan.
NATALIE
Oh come on, the show's not *that* bad.
(Natalie ducks from Nick's glare. From the audience, Mike yells something like "I believe!")
OZ
The next award is the Tara Award for Why The Hell Am I Not a Regular Yet? And the award of course goes to Tara. I'm going to sit next to Willow now.
NATALIE
Deserter.
OZ
She just looks so sad.
(Oz goes to sit next to Willow.)
NICK
On a much happier note, the next award is for the Best Buffy Episode. The award goes to Once more with Feeling. Numfar, do the dance of Great Musical Episodes!
(Numfar comes onstage and goes the dance of Great Musical Episodes.)
THE HOST
I hated that episode.
NATALIE
Why?
THE HOST
Everyone sang. Did nothing but sing. I got to see all their problems, and then I got to hear about it again. It was kind of like being a therapist, only I don't get paid.
NATALIE
Ooh, I get to do the final award this year. It's for Best Angel Episode, and the award goes to Five by Five.
THE HOST
Five by Five?
NATALIE
Look, I don't think a lot of Angel watchers voted, okay?
(David Greenwalt gets his award from Larraq and leaves without saying anything.)
NICK
Is anyone leaving with an award besides Tara, Greenwalt and Willow? Although Tara's not leaving with an award, so that doesn't work.
BUFFY
I am! And don't forget to watch the MTV Movie Awards. That Jack Black is really funny.
(Natalie and the Host are magically changed into their wedding clothes, which are all bright red, just because they coordinate well.)
NATALIE
Okay, time to go. The Dingoes Ate My Baby can play us out.
(The Ewans, Ewan McGregor and his clone Ewen, come onstage next to Larraq, holding the Beniverse.)
EWEN
No, you can't go! You're not married to all of us yet.
DI
Can I be the flower girl in all your weddings?
THE HOST
Hey, I got here first.
EWAN
Did not.
THE HOST
Did too- How old am I?
EWAN
She claimed me in 1998!
EWEN
And me just after that!
ANYA
Told you it wasn't going to go well.
XANDER
Hey, this doesn't actually concern you. Uncle Rory, please put on a shirt.
NATALIE
Okay, look, this is my award show/wedding, I can marry whoever and as many people as I want.
THE HOST
I don't like sharing. Someone's going to have to make a choice here.
LARRAQ
You're not forgetting about me here, are you?
NATALIE
Of course not. You've got the sexy accent.
EWAN AND EWEN
Our accents aren't sexy?
THE HOST
Just because I don't have an accent, don't hold this against me.
ANYA
Someone make a wish, please?
NATALIE
I always wanted to be fought over. Someone fight, please?
(One of Xander's relatives comes in with a chair to bash over someone's head. Anyone's head. In the audience, several people have popcorn.)
OZ
Should I be getting into this?
WILLOW
No. You stay here.
DAVID GREENWALT
Ooh, I should have thought of something like this for my show... Hm...
(Hayden Christensen comes onstage in a tux.)
HAYDEN
Hi, I'm here to marry Natalie
NATALIE
Ooh, that's a nice plot development
NICK
Don't you have enough guys fighting over you right now?
NATALIE
No! There's no such thing! Anyway, *I'm* the executive producer!
(The loan shark comes onstage, holding a To Be Continued sign as Natalie cops out of an immediate answer and The Dingoes Ate My Baby play us out.)
NICK
Hehehe. Loan shark.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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